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Paul Merton unofficial
Your Horoscope by Mystic Merton
You will be dead within a week.
You will be involved in a fatal car crash, killing an Aquarius.
You will realise the truth of the adage "There's no fool like an old fool" when you lose your false teeth in a monkey kissing contest. Now is not a good time to run amock in a china shop.
Your stereo system will bring you luck on Thursday.
You lose faith in your elected representatives when you discover seven MPs gangbanging a barn owl in a coffee shop.
M.G.M. renews your contract.
Don't ask.
A man you've never met before keeps it that way.
As a bold experiment you dye your hair orange, but have to give up your job as a funeral director when mourners persist in calling you "KIA-ORA HEAD."
On Saturday you are told by your parents that you are gay.
You still don't like cheese.
Reprinted from "Have I Got 1997 For You".
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