police

"On Wednesday 14th December last at approximately 10:43 AM while patrolling along Streatham High Road I observed a motor vehicle illegally parked outside the all night Clement Atlee massage parlour. I questioned the occupant, a Mr Jack E Stewart, who said:

"Urinate off you effin love child"

Mr Stewart then apologised and offered me a yellow chocolate covered confectionery known to the uniformed branch as a Smartie. I accepted the smartie and swallowed it. A smartie which I now know contained an hallucinogenic drug.

Thirty five minutes later, while sat on an intergalactic spacecraft bound for the planet Zanussi, I observed Constable Parrish approaching me disguised as a fortnights holiday in Benidorm.

"Hello Constable Parrish !" I said through the back of my neck."And what news of my Lord Buckingham?"

To which Constable Parrish replied "Get down off that bus shelter, you stupid git."

I then ate Constable Parrish.

His notebook then exploded releasing a thousand tiny giraffe heads on little penguin bodies.

I was enticed down from said bus shelter by the lovely Marilyn Monroe, former screen starlet. We kissed, formally, until Marilyn, sweet tender Marilyn, revealed herself as Mr Brinsley Ocomo, a scrap metal dealer from Peckham.

A panda patrol car flew past and three large uniformed pandas got out.

I was charged by Chief Constable Warren with gross indecency, impersonating a Spaniard, acting the goat and eating a police Constable while in the course of his duty.

I burst into hysterical laughter which lasted five months.

And that is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth."