mistakes

I should point out that all these errors occurred after Paul had dispensed with the services of the legendary theatrical agent Billy Castell. Mr. Castell is still available to represent genuine artistes, please telephone Whitehall 1516 or place an advert in "Daltons Weekly".

Paul in army uniform

Paul's audition for "Dad's Army" was going well until it was pointed out to him that the show finished in 1977.

A bewildered Paul said "I don't understand, it was on last week."

Paul all in white

In a fine example of not learning from your mistakes Paul next tries for the part of Marty Hopkirk in the 60's show "Randall and Hopkirk Deceased."

Paul in pub

Paul drowning his sorrows with a duck after a second unsuccessful attempt to land a part in "Hopkirk". The duck had just been turned down for a part in "Life On Earth".

Paul in Salvation Army uniform

Paul's decision to turn up in army uniform for a meeting with Steven Spielberg results in him missing out on a part in "Saving Private Ryan."

"I think Steven has underestimated the part the Salvation Army played in the D-Day landings. Anyway, Jurassic Park, what was all that about ? Multi-million dollar special effects movies ? I can knock them up in my shed."

After being turned down by Spielberg, Paul tries to get his revenge by getting a few mates together and remaking "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom."

"I am sure it will be a great success !" says Paul. Spielberg's lawyers do not agree.

Paul with large cheque

A high court battle ensues over the movie. Spielberg wins and all prints are destroyed. However Paul is awarded compensation, the value being decided by what the judge thought the movie would have made at the box office. Paul generously donates it to charity.

Paul with fan of cards

Paul's attempt to be the new Paul Daniels is doomed.

"They said I was overqualified. I am three feet too tall and have too much hair. Anyway the pressure would be enormous, they were asking for 12 shows a year. I'm not sure I could be an annoying tw*t that often."

Paul with dolphin

A double act fails when the dolphin gets all the best lines. The Dolphin is chosen to replace Angus Deayton as presenter of "Have I Got News For You", Paul is replaced by the Tub of Lard.

Paul with radio

Paul's career as a Radio 1 DJ is cut short when it is revealed that he has a C.S.E. in metalwork, thus proving that he is too intelligent for the job.

Paul holding cocktail

Paul's earlier appearance in a pub with a pint in his hand landed him the lead role in "The Oliver Reed Story". Unfortunately his earlier appearance with a duck pecking his pecker landed him in court.

Paul as James Bond

When Pierce Brosnan is injured trying to ride a motorbike across the Millenium Dome Paul tries for the new Bond movie, but loses out when he delivers the line:

"The names Bond, James Bond.

Innit marvelous !"

Paul with extinguisher

Paul's appearance in "London's Burning" is cut. The after effects of filming "The Oliver Reed Story" lead him to put out the fire himself without using the extinguisher.

Paul & Sooty

Sadly Paul's career is so devastated by his poor choices that he is reduced to advertising novelty condoms.

THE END.

Please note: All quotes are fictional (as is this whole page).

This material was not written by Paul Merton.