friends

He does 15 drafts of one of his books, if you read one and don't thinks it's very good remember it's been improved 14 times. What must the first draft be like ?"

"He's a tosspot."

Jim Bowen. (Piss-poor comedian, even worse quiz show host.)

"In 1976 Britain's clowns took industrial action. Comedians were soon dragged into the dispute as well.Comics all over the country suddenly refused to be funny. Jim Bowen spoke for many of his fellow performers when he said: 'I now go on stage determined to be unfunny. And I shall continue to do so until the clowns receive their pay rise.' Unfortunately for Mr Bowen the dispute lasted for nearly twenty years but he was nevertheless as good as his word."

Julian Clary. (Comedian who has used Paul Merton to write some of his jokes.)

"Demanding... egotistical... rude... really awful jokes..."

Paul Daniels. (Pocket version of David Copperfield)

After Daniels claims that Jesus' miracles were merely tricks: "Perhaps we should crucify Paul Daniels."

After it is revealed that PD has a car with the numberplate MAG1C "You probably can't get one that's got "CRAP" written on it, can you ?"

Angus "in what way ?" Deayton. (Presenter on BBC2)

"I don't know where we'd be without you Angus, BBC1 perhaps ?"

"Why don't you put us out of your misery ?"

"Go on, p**s off out of it, we could get Noel Edmonds to do this."

"You must have some talent locked up in that body of yours, it can't be reading out loud and that's it, surely !

PAUL: "Have you got any inside information ?"

ANGUS:"Very little."

PAUL:"I've got some inside information; You're a berk."

Prince Edward. (Failed actor, failed Marine, failed Tea Boy, failed businessman and piss-poor TV presenter)

"It doesn't matter whether he's gay or not, the problem is he's a parasite."

Fergie. (Duchess of York)

"She's in an old nursey rhyme isn't she ? The Duchess of York, she had ten thousand men. And when they were up, they were up... and when they were only halfway up she was more than happy."

Ranulph Fiennes' father. (The not at all famous father of a slightly famous son)

"Anyone who calls somebody Ranulph is a sadist basically."

The Bishop Of Galway. (The Bonking Bishop)

"I used to go out with the bishop of Galway. He used to take me to the pictures. I'd sit in the back row and hold his crook."

Christine Hamilton. (If you don't know who she is, be happy about it)

"Poor deluded cow."

Ian Hislop. (Pop star impersonator)

Ian Hislop (head)

After one of Ian's typically 'witty' remarks: "We seem to be wandering around an alien landscape where comedy is a stranger."

"I'll take great pleasure in thumping my fist into that great face of yours"

"... a bald-headed short-arse."

"You're the one with an education, what did you study, pig ignorance ?"

"You don't like The Beatles, you don't like football, what's wrong with you ?"

John Major. (ex-prime minister)

John Major 'TIT'

"That soap box is a wondeful idea isn't it ? How can we make him look charismatic ? Let's stand him next to a wooden box."

General Pinochet. (Ex-dictator, Ex-mass murderer)

The General Pinochet game show: "The Generation Game, you had to guess which member of your family wasn't coming home that night."

Shirley Temple. (Child 'actress')

"A lovely person, but I can't hear on the "On the Good Ship Lollipop" without tasting vomit at the back of my throat."

Margaret Thatcher.(British ex-dictator)

"Mad old bat."

Mark Thatcher.(Son of a British ex-dictator)

"Mark Thatcher got lost in the desert and his mum cried. Then everyone cried when they found him."