century

In many respects the 1950's were aptly named. To foster the belief that good times really were just around the corner the government announced that a Festival of Britain would be held on the South Bank of the Thames. The public were invited to marvel at some of the wonderful new design ideas that would surely reconfirm Britain's status as a major innovative world power. Amongst the innovations on display was the newly designed non-transparent window.

The official Festival programme described it in the following manner: "The non-transparent window is a major breakthrough in contemporary design. Instead of utilising traditional glass the window is entirely constructed from brickwork. This means that several can be installed into an ordinary brick wall without changing its appearance in any way. What's more, these new windows never need cleaning and are maintenance free." The British public, recognising a good idea when they didn't see one, immediately bought these revolutionary windows in their thousands. Throughout the Summer of 1951 the sound of bricks being knocked out of walls and replaced with other bricks echoed up and down the land.

Although Britain was totally confident of its status in the international arena the other World Powers were not so sure. During an otherwise routine meeting of the United Nations Security Council the Russian representative suddenly turned to his British counterpart and said, "You're a man of the world, nip out and buy us twenty fags will you?" This calculated insult led the British representative, Sir Geoffrey Uck-Witt, to immediately demand that the other nations censure the Russian for his overtly patronising manner. An emergency meeting was called and after some deliberation Uck-Witt was summoned to the General Secretary's office. Here he was told - and I quote from the official records, "And while your about it get a pint of milk as well."

To improve his ability to leap above defenders, Chelsea's brilliant young forward Jimmy Greaves is encouraged to eat grass on the basis that cows can jump over the moon

George VI maintained Royal tradition by dying in 1952 and when his successor Elizabeth II was crowned the following year, millions of people were able to watch the Coronation on their newly purchased television sets. These early sets were a far cry from their modern technological counterparts. Although extremely bulky the actual screen size was no bigger than an ants lung.

BBC radio which at this time enjoyed its highest ever listening figures was understandably anxious about this new competitor. Top secret talks were held in a top secret location, but because everything was so top secret it's impossible to tell if these top secret talks related in any way to anything in particular. Chances are they probably did. Or not as the case may be.

Undoubtedly the biggest radio star of the 1950's was the all-round entertainer Billy "Where's my teeth ?" Moncur. Millions adored his lighthearted banter, although in retrospect his style is a little corny. Here is a typical extract from one of his many radio shows.

DOOR OPENS:

Mrs. FOOTBALL: How are you today, Billy ? Bright and cheerful I'll be bound.

BILLY: I want to die.

Mrs. FOOTBALL: How about a nice cuppa ? That'll cheer you up.

BILLY: Leave me alone or I'll kill you.

Mrs. FOOTBALL: Oh, things can't be that bad. After all... stop it Billy, you're hurting me... I can't breathe... Billy... I... Arrgh!

In it's day this was considered laugh-a-minute stuff. Unfortunately, Billy Moncur found fame very difficult to deal with and always disliked being recognised in the street. While being interviewed by Pathe Newsreel he was approached by a well wisher who courteously requested his autograph. The following is a transcribe of the dialogue from the original newsreel soundtrack.

WELL WISHER: Mr. Moncur, could I trouble you for an autograph? Mr. Moncur... I can't breathe... please... I... Arrggh!

Billy Moncur murdered eighty-seven people throughout the 1950's. Although often arrested he was never actually charged. As one policeman at the time said, "He's such a cheeky chappy you can't help overlooking the carnage."

Billy eventually received his comeuppance when he was punched in the face by an off-duty wrestler in an all night dry cleaners off the Old Kent Road. His tortured cries of "Where's my teeth" merely convinced onlookers that he was rehearsing a new sketch for his radio show.

In 1956 the nation's youth were suddenly gripped by Rock and Roll. A new word was invented; teenagers. And teenagers had money and they knew how to spend it. Dance halls all over the country were soon rocking and rolling to this infectious new music. By the end of the decade Elvis Presley had established himself as the King of Rock and Roll and he weighed eleven and a half stone.

By the middle of the '50s it seemed that Britain was at last finding it's feet. Rationing finally disappeared in 1954 and to convince the public that prosperity was within the country's grasp, every neighbourhood community in the Southeast of England was given it's own robot.

In a party political broadcast a Government spokesman explained:

"Now that the shops are once again full of produce busy housewives may experience difficulty in finding the time to sort through all the various goods on display. This irksome task can be safely entrusted to robots who are programmed to buy all the essential groceries while Mother puts her feet up for a well earned rest."

Unfortunately, the robots were near useless. Because of their extremely slow walking pace it took them ages to complete the simplest of tasks.

After several weeks absence many housewives were understandably distressed by the robots' sudden reappearance at their kitchen door, carrying a basket full of congealed groceries. The public dissatisfaction with the robots soon led to them being nicknamed Geoffrey after Sir Geoffrey Uck-Witt, the man so comprehensively humiliated after being forced to go shopping for the Security Council of the United Nations.

ROME:

Ingrid Bergman is accosted by a 25-foot tall flasher.

In the area of physical endeavour, however, there was much to cheer. On June 1st 1953 Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tensing became the first men to stand on the summit of Mount Everest. Hillary's much reported remark, "No man can stand higher and still remain on Earth" provoked the British adventurer Peter Sout to climb Everest the following year with a stepladder under his arm. As Sout stood at the top of the stepladder on the peak of the world's highest mountain news reached him that Roger Bannister has just run the world's first ever sub-four minute mile. Bannister's claim that, "No man has ever before covered such a distance in such a time without the aid of mechanical contraptions" so enraged Sout that he immediately attempted to beat the record by throwing himself off the north face of the mountain. On his way down he was heard to shout to a group of bemused sherpas "Look, I've already done four hundred yards in 8.4 seconds." He continued to fall past them and disappeared into a huge snow covered ravine.

His obituary printed in The Daily Telegraph a few days later rightly paid tribute to "his bravery and, above all, his stupidity."

Towards the end of the decade it was clear that both the Russians and the Americans were spending millions in a race to put the first man on the moon. Sir Geoffrey Uck-Witt was admonished by the Prime Minister for not finding out about it sooner. Sir Geoffrey's defence that whenever the Americans were discussing this kind of thing he was inevitably out buying bin liners for the Chinese did not go down very well.

By 1959 it was clear that once again the world has changed far more rapidly than most people could cope with. But those people who felt dizzy after a decade of radical change were in for a bit of a shock. The '60s were just around the corner...